If you have read my blogs, you know that I am a half full person. I believe that opportunity is the flipside of adversity. I know that success tends to hang out around big problems. So believe me, I know the importance of developing positive self esteem. As a parent, I believe that a healthy sense of self esteem in my kids starts with me.
Oh, you noticed, huh? I said it is important to build a "healthy" sense of self esteem. Now what can I possibly mean by that? Isn't any self esteem healthy? There was probably a point in my life where I believed that but I think as I grow in age and hopefully wisdom I see some pitfalls in how we reward participation today. I believe that this attempt at self esteem building may be setting our kids up for great blows to self esteem down the road.
Woody Allen once said, "80% of success is showing up." I agree that participating in life is a big part of gaining fulfillment but that still leaves 20% for how you perform once you get there.
Both of my kids have participated in sports as they have grown up. As parents, my wife and I felt it was up to us to introduce our kids to as many extra curricular physical activities as possible to: 1) let them find those areas in life where they could fuel there passion and 2) give them some physical activity to encourage healthy life habits.
Each child began participating in sport at the age of 5. I thought it might be a bit early to start organized team sports but everyone seemed to be participating and I certainly didn't want my kids left behind. My daughter started in soccer and my son started in soccer and baseball. Given my love of sports, I would help coach both kids as either head coach or as an assitant.
I liked the fact that in the early years every child played regardless of ability. After all, we were there to encourage participation and exercise for all kids. We cheered for every child and we didn't keep score. This was the case for the first few years of sports. At the end of the season the league provided trophies for every child. Really...we give each one a trophy for just showing up? I struggled with this at the time and do to this day.
Now, I have a box of memorabilia from my childhood. Inside are many pictures, my school yearbooks and my awards. I participated competitively in baseball, basketball, football and golf. I won 7 varsity letters in high school, a trophy for being a member of the team that won the league in baseball at the ages of 8, 12 and 13, a plaque for winning the conference golf meet as a senior in high school and a trophy for scoring a hole-in-one. Each one has great significance for an individual or team effort that resulted in finishing on top.
I have plenty of pictures to remind me of all the teams and sports I was a part of growing up. They were great reminders of the fun I had participating in sports. The trophies, however, have always been special because they marked an achievement. They remind me of the hard work and commitment it took individually and as a team to achieve the hardware reserved for the victor.
Sport has always served as a great analogy for life. It teaches us teamwork and leadership. It also teaches us how to win graciously and how to lose with dignity. It teaches us about focus and commitment. Sports gives us a framework for how the world works. By giving trophies for participation, we set the precedence that participation merits an award. Unfortunately, life is not like that. People don't get promoted for showing up each day. Bonuses are not paid because you got the job. Year end awards are not given to everyone in the company.
It seems to me that it may be worth reconsidering the award for participation approach. Maybe each child could receive a framed photo of the team at the year end party. In this way, the picture will serve to remind them of their participation. Let's reserve trophies for those few who have more points on their side when the final whistle in the final game is blown. Let's have awards remind us of our results.
Let's show our kids love and respect. That will build self esteem. As far as, preparing them for what to expect as they grow up, let's encourage them to participate. Let's acknowledge their effort when they give it their all and let's reward their results when they achieve excellence as an individual or as part of a team.
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