The Gardner's Touch

Self confidence…
So fragile, so elusive, so precious.
A seed, sown by few.
Planted carelessly, often trampled.
Watered sparingly, if at all.
Roots that dig deep and take hold early in life.

So difficult to gain, yet so simple to give…
A loving look, a gentle touch, an encouraging word.
The security and warmth of approval,
Trust, caring, honesty…
And love…
Nourishing the seed that grows into the flower…
Self esteem.

Think Back and Pay It Forward

A few years back there was a movie starring Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osment called Pay It Forward. In the movie Kevin Spacey was a teacher who became a mentor for a small boy played by Haley Joel Osment. Through a class experiment, the character played by Spacey taught the young boy that any person can start a chain reaction of love. The idea was to do something kind for someone in hopes that they do something kind for someone else. The boy learned that the spirit of giving can be very contagious.

In November 2005, I realized that the 25th anniversary of my high school graduation was approaching in the spring. The Schlarman High School class of ‘81 excelled in athletics and scholastics but unfortunately did not excel in reunions. In fact, there had not been one over the 25 years. I guess I began to get a little nostalgic so I pulled out some old yearbooks and began walking back through my memory. I had a great high school experience. It was full of ups and downs as everyone’s is, I’m sure, but I really enjoyed high school.

As I reflected, I thought back about one person who made a major impact on my life in these formative years. His name was Tom Eder. He was my Social Studies teacher and basketball coach for 2 ½ years. As I thought about his impact, I realized that I still regularly used the outlining skills I learned from him in study skills class as a sophomore. In addition, I posted motivational quotes and used the same inspirational style he had taught me on the basketball floor some 25 years earlier. I had taken up running a few years earlier and always heard his voice pushing me to finish each run with all I had.

He taught me several life lessons through the sport of basketball for which I am grateful. He taught that it if you wanted to be successful, you had to do the little things that others wouldn’t do. Throughout the season we would work on conditioning so that at the end of any game we would be the best conditioned athletes on the floor. Often after a difficult practice that ended in sprints, we would have to lift weights. He would often say, “It is the workout when you don't feel like it that makes the difference.” We grumbled on the way to the weight area but this proved to pay off down the stretch, as we made it to the final eight in the state championship tournament in my senior year.

He also taught me that people deserve a second chance. Coach Eder had given me my first chance in my sophomore year. I had loved basketball as a kid growing up but even with all my hours of practice, I never seemed to have what it took to make the “A” team. I had played organized basketball from the age of 10 but it was not until my sophomore year in high school that all my hard work was recognized and I was named the starting point guard. As luck would have it, Coach Eder was named the varsity coach at the end of that year so I was also tabbed the starter in my junior year.

Unfortunately, for some unknown reason the confidence I displayed as a sophomore did not transfer with me to the varsity level. I put a great deal of pressure on myself to perform and it had a negative impact on my play. After several turnovers in the first few games I found myself on the bench growing bitter. My ego got the best of me and I ended up quitting the team mid season telling Coach Eder I had lost respect for him. In looking back I realized I had actually lost hope in and respect for myself.

The bug to play hit me hard as the basketball season approached in my senior year. I asked Tom for a second chance. Coach Eder gave me that chance but made it very clear I had to earn back his trust and that of the team. I was not the starter but came in quickly off the bench as the sixth man. I took advantage of the second chance and ended up being named captain on our final eight team.

I had never really consciously thought about the life lessons I learned from Tom Eder in the 25 years from high school to 2005, but as I reflected I realized his impact was significant. As I thought more about it I realized that I owed him a debt of gratitude for giving me a first and second chance and for pointing me in the right direction, not just in basketball but in life. I thought about it often on my runs over the next several months.

For some reason I put off trying to make contact. I thought about saying thank you everyday. It just kept gnawing at me. I just knew I had to take some action. Due to an event that occurred just a short time before this, I found the motivation to act. See, not long before my mid life reflection, my wife had been diagnosed with malignant skin cancer. Though the early diagnosis seemed dire, the surgeries were successful and she has been cancer free since. But the reality of mortality had hit me squarely between the eyes. This event made me rethink many things in my life including my habit of procrastination. I realized that good intentions will never pay a debt of gratitude.

I made the decision that I was going to track down Tom Eder and let him know what he meant to me in my youth and the impact he had even in my adult life. I reached out to a few old friends but none could tell me his whereabouts. I took to the internet and was able to track him down. He was no longer a coach but was now a principal at a high school. I crafted a letter to share my feeling and gratitude after these 25 odd years and emailed it off.

I didn’t hear anything back for over a week so I guessed that the event had not been a memorable part of his life. I was a little disappointed but I knew that I had to share my feelings, not for a response, but to show my gratitude. I knew that love given is love received. To my surprise the return email came just a few days later. Apparently my letter had touched him in such a profound way that it stopped him in his tracks. He said that teachers/coaches did what they did for just this kind of letter. Well, not really for a letter, but for the hope to impact young lives in a positive way. He was incredibly thankful that I took the time to track him down and share my gratitude.

By beginning with an attitude of gratitude, we can pay it forward in real life. In the movie, the class experiment works like a charm and people’s lives are touched and they in turn touch many other lives. Maybe you can touch someone in a way that will have far reaching effects and change a life. Maybe it will create a chain reaction of gratitude and spread some much needed positive energy in the world.

First Love

Pressed together
So passionate
And tender
Nothing compares
Deep

Eyes closed
Lost moments
One purpose
Ever present
Captive

Butterflies flutter
Oblivious so present
Savor moments
So fleeting
Endures

Once intimate
No compromise
Memories live
Butterflies flutter
Away

Should the Cabin Pressure Change...

Do you know how to breathe?

I am sure you are asking yourself where this whole line of questioning is going. I mean, come on. Of course, I know how to breathe. I've been doing it since the doctor whacked my back side, oh, so many years ago.

I travel quite often and am reminded of breathing each time the flight attendant goes through his/her routine. He/she will say, "If the cabin pressure should change the oxygen mask will drop. Put it over your nose and mouth, pull the elastic tabs to tighten and breathe normally." Should the cabin lose pressure, breathing normally may not be as easy as the cheery Southwest flight attendant makes it sound.

In general, breathing is not something we think about. Or maybe we don’t think about breathing “normally” or breathing “correctly”, anyway. I know I didn’t until about 10 years ago. Prior to that I took breathing for granted. After I read an article in Men's Health magazine, breathing, which was an always an involuntary action became something that I thought about at least 3 times a day. I began to focus on my breathing while I was exercising, while I was meditating and while I was in the shower.

The Men's Health article said how important proper breathing was to maximize a workout. As I got down on the floor to do some push ups the next morning, I realized that I tended to hold my breath when I exerted myself. In the article, it said this was the exact wrong thing to do. It went on to say that if I wanted to get oxygen to my muscles for maximum results, not only did I need to breathe in exertion, but I needed to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. It felt a little odd but I guess everything new feels weird at first, even if it is the correct way to do it.

Once I began focusing on my breathing, I felt stronger and more energized in my workouts. The key is to breathe in fully through your nose and exhale fully through your mouth. This way you will intake the maximum oxygen as you inhale and clear the maximum carbon dioxide as you exhale. When I run I work to maintain a 3:2 ratio of inhaling to exhaling. I had to jog slowly to get the feel of breathing properly, but once I got the rhythm I was able to kiss cramps goodbye. When I do push ups, pull ups and sit ups, I focus to always exhale during exertion. So I exhale as I pull up then inhale on the way down. I exhale as I sit up and inhale as I lie back down. It not only feels better, but it burns more fat, decreases the heart rate and lowers the production of lactic acid in the body according to fitness experts.

A few years after my exercise routine kicked into high gear, I took up the practice of meditation. After seeing a presentation by Wayne Dyer where he discussed the benefits of meditation, I decided that I needed some peace and calm in my life. I made the commitment to start my day with quiet time in meditation and prayer.

I start by sitting in comfortable chair that allows me to sit up straight. I find a relaxed position that enables me to sit with good posture, close my eyes and focus on taking good cleansing breaths. Again, to get the most out of this meditative time, I breathe in fully through my nose and exhale fully through my mouth. I try to think of nothing but the pace and depth of my breathing. I want to clear my mind of all thought and oxygenate my body in preparation for some good focused time with God.

The first time I tried to meditate, I checked the clock and went through the breathing process. After what seemed like an hour I opened my eyes and the clock had moved about 45 seconds. My short attention span did not make me a natural for the practice of meditation by any stretch. It takes practice, patience and persistence to get to a point where you can sit thoughtlessly for 3 to 5 minutes. The amazing thing about these few minutes, however, is that they refresh like a two hour nap.

There are many good guides to meditation on video, audio or books to help you find your way whether by Gaiam or others at Amazon.com. Whether relaxing with music or silence, the practice of proper breathing through the process of meditation will bring unbelievable health benefits.

The third time each day that I focus on my breathing is in the shower. Once completely clean, I will close my eyes and let the hot water message my neck and shoulders. Once relaxed, I raise both arms over my head and breathe in fully, as I lower my arms, I breathe out fully. Often I will take this time to silently go through some positive affirmations for the day. I will raise my arms and thank God for filling me with His Spirit and all the positive, healing energy that is Him. As I lower my arms, I will thank God for allowing the water to wash away any excess energy, anxiety, fear, pain or disease that may be weighing on my body. By taking the cleansing breaths with the steam from the hot shower, I find that my breathing passage clears completely. Now, as I exit the shower, I feel energized and ready to take on the tasks of the day.

The reason that I choose to focus on my breathing during these three activities is that I can remember three things. Anytime I need to remember more than 3 things, I start slipping. Although, once the habits formed after about 30 days of consistently making them part of my day, I would begin thinking about taking cleansing breaths during the work day at my desk or on a plane trip to feel more lively and alert.

In addition to the health benefits of this breathing approach, you will find it very good for calming nerves and slowing anger. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel anxious or nervous, like before an important phone call or presentation, practice your breathing. Another good time to take cleansing breaths is when you feel angry. In both situations, it will relax you and lower your heart rate. These are the times when you want to be clear and calm in order to think on your feet, make the best decisions and respond properly to any unexpected situation.

So sit back, relax and breathe the air! It will feel like your very first breath...without the slap on your fanny, of course.

There Must Be Some Mistake

Mistakes are a part of life. Actually, they are not just a part of life, they are a NECESSARY part of life. We will make mistakes and we will fail in life. The sooner we accept that the better.

Human beings make mistakes. Human beings fail or they won't grow. Michael Jordan, the six-time NBA champion and arguably the greatest basketball player of all time said, “To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."

Too many of us can’t get past the failures in our life. We tend to focus on our losses or the mistakes we make or maybe we have an overzealous boss or spouse who won’t let us forget about our shortcomings. Often times we are our own worst critic and in our self-critical approach we get fixated on our failures or mistakes. We become paralyzed with fear of failing. Or maybe we are worried about getting fired or ending up in the doghouse.

Rather than thinking about the potential good that could come from taking a risk; applying for our dream job, starting a new career, going back to school or achieving athletic success, we become paralyzed to the point of inaction. Because we fear failure, we tend to overanalyze and avoid taking the risks necessary for a fulfilling and exhilarating life. The fear of failure leads us to living a “safe” life on the outside of our true purpose looking in.

Now don’t get me wrong, it is important that we understand how we failed or how the mistake occurred, in order to avoid it in the future. So take a moment to think back in order to understand where you may have stumbled. Was it a careless mistake from rushing or lack of planning? Those are easily avoided with a bit more energy focused on preparation and organization. Look back just long enough to see what caused the failure and use that information to start again.

The reason that the odds of divorce in the second and third marriage are even greater than the 50% divorce rate of first marriages is because people don’t look back at the mistakes they made. They blame the other person rather than accepting their own failure and learning from it.

Now it is critical to understand the cause of our failures and mistakes but the key is not to dwell on them. Time spent punishing ourselves or someone else for a failure is time wasted. If we spend too much time and energy focusing on the failure, we are likely to find ourselves repeating the same mistakes. It is the simple law of attraction. We will attract into our life those things that we think about most. So, if all you can think about are the mistakes or failures of your past, history will surely repeat itself.

The best example of this can be seen on the golf course. In high school, I played on the golf team and our home matches were played at a course that was lined with trees and out of bounds down the right side. Every time I stepped up to the first tee my eyes were drawn to the out of bounds. I bet I hit the ball out of bounds 3 out of every 5 times I played the hole. The same holds true for water and sand traps. If you focus your gaze upon them, you will tend to hit in that direction.

Similarly, have you ever noticed that when you are driving on the highway and there is a cement divider along the left side of the rode, if you stare at it, the car will veer that direction? Again, it is the law of attraction. We are drawn to those things upon which we focus. It happens in the physical world and it happens in the metaphysical world.

It is critical to understand that you are not tied to your past failures or mistakes. They are poor choices but they don't make you a bad person. More importantly the results of the past do not dictate the outcomes of your future. The key is to set your focus on the outcome you desire rather than thinking about avoiding failure.

Let’s try a little experiment. Don’t think about a pink elephant with purple polka dots. OK, so did the picture of a purple polka dotted pink elephant pop into your head? I thought I said not to think about it. The problem is our minds don’t work that way.

Instead, we need to focus on what we do want. We need to picture ourselves hitting a drive down the middle of the fairway. We need to watch the road in front of us when driving along a highway with a cement divider on one or both sides. Create a mental picture of the positive outcome, the successful conclusion, the perfect presentation or the completion of your desired degree in school. Hold this view and jump in the deep end. Take a risk for the potential growth in your personal or professional life.

So, get ready to make some mistakes and fail at some new endeavors. You will learn to be successful if you learn from your failures!

Point The Way

As we dads, no doubt, basked in the glory of our day, I hope we at least took a few moments to think about what it means to be a dad. It is both a blessing and an honor to be called the same name as our creator…father. As this is the case, we should also think a great deal about the responsibility bestowed upon us.

God has put us in the role of pointing our little ones in the right direction here on earth. We should tell them and show them how to look deep down to what is really important in this life so they don’t get caught up living on the surface.

That said, I wrote something that I shared with both of my kids not long ago. They both read it and gave me a big thank you kiss. It was probably more for the thought than the meaning but they did hang it up in their respective rooms.

I hope they look at it every once in a while and think about the meaning of the words. I hope they think about living a passion filled life seeking the joy and peace of God. I hope I am able to reinforce the words that I have written. But, more so, I hope they can see me living this way. The actions will speak much louder than any words.

Here are the words:

Be proud of who you are. Be true to yourself. Live a life of respect. Forgiveness and respect should be given freely. Trust need be earned. It's about learning not grades. It's about people not things. You will see God’s works in your life to the extent you think about Him, pray and live in faith. Talk to Him through the day. You will have about 50,000 thoughts a day. Most of them will be negative. Don't worry about it, just realize it. If negative thoughts creep in, acknowledge them and replace them with positive ones. Determine who you are and your hearts desires. Be proud of who you are and follow the leadings of your heart as this is how God speaks to us. Don't let others determine your direction in life. Think your own thoughts and make up your own mind. Pursue your desires and dreams. Pick dreams that are a size too big so you can grow into them rather than dreams so easy to achieve that you quickly outgrow them. Always use your imagination. Wonder, seek and try new things. Read, as knowledge is a treasure greater than gold. Ask God for discernment. Seek first to understand then to be understood. Seek wisdom. When you find it you will find so many other gifts that come with it like joy, peace and understanding. An open mind is a doorway to wisdom. God gave you two ears and just one mouth for a reason. Love is the answer regardless of the question. Speak the truth in love. Don't ever give up hope. Decide what you want in life and take some small action to attain it each day or life will give you less than you hope for.


I will know some day if I spoke through my actions when I see them with their kids. Then I will know if I was the right kind of role model…and dad!

Faithful

The ledge so narrow
A long fall down
Hold my hand Daddy
So I can walk the balance beam
Alone, too scary
Hold my hand Daddy
Please grab it tight
My arms outstretched
Each step, sheer joy
Hold my hand Daddy
Now I can soar
If I hold your hand
I may lose my grip
Hold my hand Daddy
You will never let go

Joy

Happiness…
Fleeting, often incomplete
Sadness…
Overwhelming, always complete
Fulfillment…
Sought externally, useless
Peace…
Within, a calm place,
An inner power, a spirit
and truth, constant
...Joy

Wherever you are, be there!

In these days of downsizing, social networking, high speed connections and multi-tasking, it has become more and more difficult to focus on just the task at hand. We all seem to have more to do but less time in which to do it. This creates a situation where we have many balls in the air as we juggle work, family and personal agendas.

I had a boss a few years back who had a tough time focusing during phone conversations. As he listened (or attempted to anyway) on speakerphone, I would run through my laundry list of items that required his input or approval. As I spoke, I would hear him pounding away on a keyboard trying to keep up with his seemingly endless flow of emails while simultaneously giving me his undivided attention. Yeah, right!

As I would speak he would repeatedly say, "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh," as some sort of mantra to let me know he was listening. I knew his focus was not on me and my issues at all. In fact, there were a few times where I mentioned having a tasty turkey sandwich for lunch to which he replied, "uh, huh, uh huh," just as he had when I let him know our biggest customer threatened to stop doing business.

Though I had a few laughs at his expense, it was frustrating and annoying because I knew that I would either have to go through most of the issues again or I would have to deal with his temper once he realized I had made a decision that he didn't necessarily like. I assured him that I had gotten the required "uh huh" as verbal confirmation before moving forward but he often denied giving his consent.

I am sure that my wife and kids would say the same about my fragmented focus while I was supposed to be enjoying their company. With my blackberry in hand, I would be on a family getaway or even sitting on the floor in my sons room playing a board game. Instead of giving my full attention I would be on a call or answering an email and half heartedly taking my turn with the dice.

In reading Ageless Body, Timeless Mind by Deepok Chopra there was a line that stopped me in my tracks about 9 years ago. He said that it was critical to live in the moment to get the most from life. The way he stated it was, "wherever you are, be there." Since the time of reading this and more recently reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I have worked very hard (as it is not easy) to keep my attention focused in the present moment.

The reality is that we have but one moment to live; the current one. If we give our all to the task at hand, the conversation underway or the project in progress, we will do better work, show greater respect for the person we are with and likely improve our relationships and results because of it.

The same is true with our thought life. It is easy to allow our thoughts to focus too much on our past accomplishments or become too passionate about setting goals for the days ahead. Our tendency can be to yearn for the "good ole days" or daydream endlessly about the future and fulfilling our "must have" list of desires. Some people feel that their best days are behind them and some feel their best days will arrive once they get the dream job, dream house, dream mate, dream car, etc.

This is not to say we should never reflect on the past or make plans and goals for the future. These are critical to our success and should get our full attention when we are in our time of reflection or planning. I assure you that if you can put all your energy in the present moment, you will draw the necessary wisdom from the past and set the table for an amazing future. I sum it up as follows:

If your passion lies only in past accomplishments, it will die a little each day.
If your passion lies only in future goals, it will never fully live.
If your passion lies in the present moment, it will burn in a life of abundance and fulfillment.

A Trophy...Just For Showing Up?

If you have read my blogs, you know that I am a half full person. I believe that opportunity is the flipside of adversity. I know that success tends to hang out around big problems. So believe me, I know the importance of developing positive self esteem. As a parent, I believe that a healthy sense of self esteem in my kids starts with me.

Oh, you noticed, huh? I said it is important to build a "healthy" sense of self esteem. Now what can I possibly mean by that? Isn't any self esteem healthy? There was probably a point in my life where I believed that but I think as I grow in age and hopefully wisdom I see some pitfalls in how we reward participation today. I believe that this attempt at self esteem building may be setting our kids up for great blows to self esteem down the road.

Woody Allen once said, "80% of success is showing up." I agree that participating in life is a big part of gaining fulfillment but that still leaves 20% for how you perform once you get there.

Both of my kids have participated in sports as they have grown up. As parents, my wife and I felt it was up to us to introduce our kids to as many extra curricular physical activities as possible to: 1) let them find those areas in life where they could fuel there passion and 2) give them some physical activity to encourage healthy life habits.

Each child began participating in sport at the age of 5. I thought it might be a bit early to start organized team sports but everyone seemed to be participating and I certainly didn't want my kids left behind. My daughter started in soccer and my son started in soccer and baseball. Given my love of sports, I would help coach both kids as either head coach or as an assitant.

I liked the fact that in the early years every child played regardless of ability. After all, we were there to encourage participation and exercise for all kids. We cheered for every child and we didn't keep score. This was the case for the first few years of sports. At the end of the season the league provided trophies for every child. Really...we give each one a trophy for just showing up? I struggled with this at the time and do to this day.

Now, I have a box of memorabilia from my childhood. Inside are many pictures, my school yearbooks and my awards. I participated competitively in baseball, basketball, football and golf. I won 7 varsity letters in high school, a trophy for being a member of the team that won the league in baseball at the ages of 8, 12 and 13, a plaque for winning the conference golf meet as a senior in high school and a trophy for scoring a hole-in-one. Each one has great significance for an individual or team effort that resulted in finishing on top.

I have plenty of pictures to remind me of all the teams and sports I was a part of growing up. They were great reminders of the fun I had participating in sports. The trophies, however, have always been special because they marked an achievement. They remind me of the hard work and commitment it took individually and as a team to achieve the hardware reserved for the victor.

Sport has always served as a great analogy for life. It teaches us teamwork and leadership. It also teaches us how to win graciously and how to lose with dignity. It teaches us about focus and commitment. Sports gives us a framework for how the world works. By giving trophies for participation, we set the precedence that participation merits an award. Unfortunately, life is not like that. People don't get promoted for showing up each day. Bonuses are not paid because you got the job. Year end awards are not given to everyone in the company.

It seems to me that it may be worth reconsidering the award for participation approach. Maybe each child could receive a framed photo of the team at the year end party. In this way, the picture will serve to remind them of their participation. Let's reserve trophies for those few who have more points on their side when the final whistle in the final game is blown. Let's have awards remind us of our results.

Let's show our kids love and respect. That will build self esteem. As far as, preparing them for what to expect as they grow up, let's encourage them to participate. Let's acknowledge their effort when they give it their all and let's reward their results when they achieve excellence as an individual or as part of a team.

The Last Piece of the Puzzle

I can't even count the number of times I sat wallowing in the guilt and shame of my poor choices. The guilt and shame were often accompanied by a hangover and a prayer that went something like this, "God, please take away this headache and while your at it, take the guilt and shame that I feel. If you take this from me I will REALLY make an effort to change this time."

Now having grown up Catholic, I was taught that God was a God of clean slates. If I would go into the small booth with the priest on the other side of the wall and fess up to my "sins", I could reel off a few Hail Marys and an Our Father, and voila, the slate was clean like shaking an Etch-A-Sketch.

As I grew into adulthood, I told myself there was no need to share my shortcomings with a priest. I could cut out the middleman and go directly to God to get this same forgiveness; the same clean slate. The problem was that once the slate was clean, I usually found my way right back in the same mess over and over. There seemed to be something missing from this forgiveness formula because it didn't change me. It made me feel better short term but it didn't give me the tools to make lasting change. What was missing?

There was a piece missing that would not allow me to complete the forgiveness puzzle. As a kid I loved making puzzles. I remember setting up a card table and laying all the pieces out. With the box top in front of me, I could see what the puzzle would look like when I finished and I began the puzzle making process.

I was very systematic in my approach. First, find all the flat edges. Then I would begin making the border of the puzzle. I'd find the pieces with like color and pop them together. Once I had the outer framework complete, I would find similar pieces with similar patterns and colors that would fit together and start forming small sections within the big picture. As more and more small sections came together I could see how they connected to form the whole.

On one occassion I got all the way down to the last piece and realized it was missing. No, this couldn't be. I had put together 1499 pieces but the one that was missing kept me from completing the puzzle. It was nowhere to be found. I searched everywhere but still the one final piece was missing. There was no satisfaction in completing 1499/1500 of the puzzle.

Later in my life I realized the forgiveness puzzle was much the same way. I knew that God gave me 1499 pieces through His forgiveness yet the picture of change was not complete. I needed to come up with the final piece. The final piece: I had to forgive myself.

You see, I could not get the full picture of a new me until I could let myself off the hook. Until I was able to realize that I was worth the forgiveness of God and others the picture would never be complete.

The reality is, until you REALLY forgive yourself, you cannot see the image of the new you. As long as you hold onto that negative view of yourself based on the choices you have made, you will not release your mind to see the image of the person God has made you to be!

So, go ahead, complete the forgiveness puzzle. Let go of the guilt. Let go of the past. Forgive yourself and release the grasp of your past mistakes so you can grab onto the new reality God wants to create in your life.

The ability to see the complete picture of the life you desire and affect lasting change begins with the act of self-forgiveness!!

Stop and Listen

Sometimes I think I am so lacking in compassion as a parent. Honestly, I can get so caught up in trying to prepare my kids for the "real world" and produce the "right kind of kids", I forget to just be a loving person.

Not long ago I was in the back yard putzing as I do. My son was hanging out with a friend. The two of them were laughing and just being kids. My son was sitting on the back of this metal bench with his feet on the seat when all of the sudden it became top heavy and fell backwards. I saw what was happening but was too far away to get to him to prevent the fall. He tumbled back and nearly cracked his head on a brick retaining wall.

My first thought was to ask him why he was sitting up there. I mean, come on, didn't he know better than that.

Fortunately, I kept silent. I looked at his face and saw the hurt in his eyes. His lip began to quiver as he fought back tears so as not to appear weak in front of his girl friend. He rubbed his elbow and his arm in obvious pain. Instead of saying anything I simply tried to comfort him. I rubbed his head to try and take the pain away.

Thankfully, in the moment I took to be silent, I heard God's voice say, "He doesn't need a lesson right now, he needs a hug."

Do You Believe in Miracles?

I can still hear Al Michael's voice asking the question that will live in sports infamy. Michaels counted down and with five seconds remaining asked the viewing audience, "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!" The unlikely group of US hockey players were about to beat the highly favored Soviet Union team to advance to the gold medal game in the 1980 winter olympics at Lake Placid, New York. Noone gave this ragtag group of unknown college players a chance of winning a medal, let alone gold. I recently watched the movie Miracle starring Kurt Russell and when I heard Al Michael's call once again, I had goosebumps on my arms and tears running down my cheeks.

It was a spectacular event that will always have a place in sports history but a miracle. What about real life miracles? I mean like the unexplained remission of cancer or the inexplicable healing of some affliction. Do miracles really happen today?

For me the answer is a resounding, "Yes!" If you could hear the excitement in the voice of my dad talking about his new lease on life at the age of 72, you'd believe too. See not too long ago my father was forced to give up his dental practice after 35+ years in practice. It was discovered in a series of physical exams that a blow to the head in an auto accident several years earlier had left the part of his brain that deals with judgement, impaired.

He was near retirement age when it was discovered but having his great passion taken away and then the resulting bouts with memory lapse left my dad bitter and anger. None of us want to go out on someone else's terms.

You have to understand, though, my dad knew when he was in seventh grade that he wanted to be a dentist. I think the only thing I knew I wanted to do in seventh grade was to be in eighth grade. Not my dad. He just knew. Now it's one thing to know you want to be a dentist. It is quite another to come from a town of about 500 and a father who worked in a blue collar job with no prospects of paying for the 4 years of undergraduate school or the 2 years of dental school and 2 years of intern training required to achieve this goal.

With his goal firmly locked in, my father proceeded to earn a scholarship for undergraduate school. He worked and used his gambling skills to earn his room and board. Well, most undergraduates take 4 years to finish all the requirements needed for acceptance to dental school. Not my dad. He finished in three. He knew what he wanted and would not be slowed.

From undergraduate to dental school and from dental school to practicing in the Air Force, my dad saw his goal to completion. After serving his tour in the service he returned to the central Illinois area of his youth to set up practice. He was not just your average dentist either. He was skilled in the lab fitting dentures and continued his schooling over the years to help those with chronic headaches and pain due to TMJ. He had a passion for his work and a passion for growing in his trade.

In the office he not only eased his patient's in the chair but he had a bedside manner that was unlike any I have ever seen in all my travels to this day. He created an atmosphere where people were not afraid to see go to the dentist. With such antics like dressing in costume for Halloween and dressing as Cupid for Valentine's day, he created an atmosphere where people stopped by even when they didn't have an appointment. Do you know anyone who goes to the dentist office when they don't have to?

Now you understand why losing something so near and dear to his heart would cause so much anguish. On top of having his career rug pulled from under him, he had to deal with the consequences of some poor financial decisions that left him in need of income. If that wasn't enough, he had to deal with issues of memory loss and confusion from the earlier brain trauma. All tolled, the situation left him nearly suicidal. How could God be so cruel? He felt like God had turned His back on him.

My father went out on a long walk in the woods to make one final plea to God and it hit him like a ton of bricks. At that moment he started on a program reading a book a day and developing brain exercises that would retrain his brain. There was no medical evidence to support his program and no doctor had given him the hope to rejuvenate his brain. He just knew. Just like he knew in seventh grade that he wanted to be a dentist. Over the next few years he could see the improvement. He knew his approach was working.

The final piece (or peace) was getting back what had been taken from him. Well, he did not have a license to practice dentistry, but what he did have was the skill, knowledge and wisdom gained from over 35 years of practicing the discipline he loved. Today, my father works for a dentist doing the lab work and building dentures. He is an artist at the craft and is again using his skill to ease people's pain and bring smiles to their faces.

So now when I hear, "Do you believe in miracles?", I still get goosebumps, but it's for an entirely different reason.

Thank God I'm a Great Quitter

I'm sure the title of this blog strikes you as a bit strange. Maybe I better explain. You see, a few years ago as I was looking to get my life moving in the right direction, I went through the process of looking back to see if I could pinpoint where I had gotten off track. I discovered in the process that at key moments in my life when I faced great adversity, I quit. Not every time but enough to feel like a quitter.

In 7th grade I went out for the grade school football team. Now I was not fleet of foot, by any means, but thanks to an athletic older brother I had played a fair amount of sandlot ball and had a pretty good set of hands. At the first practice the coaches put us in the position for which they felt we were best suited. Now our coaches, having slotted their sons in the key high profile positions, I realized I would be relegated to the offensive line. How could they allow this great set of hands to be wrapped for blocking? Well, after just a few practices it seemed the unsung glory of an offensive lineman was not for me. With a bit of negotiating and pleading to my mom (definitely against my father's better judgement), I quit just a few weeks into practice. What a relief, or so I thought.

Next it was as a junior in varsity basketball. I was slotted as a started but after some serious ball handling gaffs and the resulting turnovers, I soon found myself on the bench. We started the season 0 and 7 and with each game the tension became even greater. The coach began grabbing at straws and finally called up some sophomores to the team. I became less and less engaged and stopped giving my all in practice. I, of course, blamed my plight on the coach. He pushed me too fast. I wasn't ready and now look at me. So I made the decision that if he put one of the sophomores into a game before me, I was done. Well, it happened and I quit.

At first quitting was tough. There was great anguish and the fear of confrontation but, as with anything, I would get better with some practice. I went on to quit the first college I attended when I started floundering. I quit a few courses of study at the new college when the road got a little tough. I quit several jobs when the oven got a bit hot for me. I seemed to live by the slogan, "when the going gets tough, the tough get going...out the back door."

I chose quitting over the potential prospect of failing. When doubt and insecurity told me I couldn't dig out of the hole I had dug for myself, I would just quit. In my mind quitting would free me from complete humiliation. All I had to do was play the victim and develop the necessary rationalization that I would use. There was always a very good excuse for quitting. I could convince myself that there was no other way. I thought I had convinced others of this as well but I am sure they knew it was just plain giving up. The other part of my "quitting" rationalization was that now I can pursue something new for which I am better suited. This is how I became an expert at starting but inept at completing. The grass was greener and I would leap that fence only to find again and again that it was astroturf (that's fake grass for anyone under 30).

Now, as a grown man in my 30's I had to come to grips with the fact that I escaped nothing by quitting in the face of adversity. The consequences of these actions had caught up to me. I now had allowed the fear of failure to firmly root itself in me. Instead of facing the fear and the adversity, I ran away and the result was the consistent desire to run from my problems. At different times in my life I found new ways to run in the form of drugs, alcohol and tobacco too. While in my career, I would quickly move onto a new job when I felt I might be found out for the failure I believed myself to be.

Fortunately, along the way, I had read enough books like the Power of Positive Thinking, The Magic of Believing and Think & Grow Rich. The words from these books did not motivate me to act but they had convinced me that there was always hope to choose a new path. I may not have believed in my abilities but maybe out of desparation I decided to started making some changes. Then it came to me. Hey, wait a minute. I am good at quitting. Maybe I could use my quitting skill on some of the destructive behaviors in my life.

OK, OK, maybe I wasn't on to something. I know quitting bad habits is not as easy as quitting 7th grade football but I realized the consequences of my early decisions. It was this awareness that helped me understand what I needed to do. It was not an overnight fix but armed with the understanding and wisdom from past failures, I could make new decisions that would bring more of the results in life that I desired. I am certainly not where I would like to be but I am on the right track and I now view adversity as an opportunity for growth and not the scary giant I used to run away from. I have successfully quit quitting!

Look 'em in the eye

As my father before me, I have always been big on manners. It was just ingrained in me as a child and I am VERY thankful that my parents insisted on it. Now that I have two kids of my own, a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son, I feel it is critical that I ingrain good manners in them. "Now remember, when I introduce you to an adult, look them in the eye and shake there hand," I'd say probably in a voice not unlike my dad (which I am sure I vowed never to do).

Saying this not long ago to one of them, it made me think about how well I do at making eye contact with the people I am in contact with each day. It has never been an issue at work. As a salesman and sales manager I give 'em the old power hand shake with a confident "damn glad to meet you" look in the eye. But what about at the grocery store check out or at the toll booth. Did I do a good job making eye contact in those situations? Unfortunately, the answer was no. I did not.

I would fumble for my wallet and say, "I'm fine and you?", without ever looking up. Or I'd hand the money to the toll attendant without really engaging as I turned the radio down. Even walking through the mall, if someone made eye contact with me rather than sharing a smile, I'd often look the other way. I guess it just made me uncomfortable.

Knowing that I had failed my own test miserably, I decided to observe others for a week and see if it was just me who was an inconsiderate snob. Well, it turns out that not many people make deliberate eye contact with others in their daily routine. It really made me rethink things especially when their is so much uncertainty in the world right now. People could use a bit more eye contact and a few more smiles right now.

I am officially on a mission. When I go through the checkout lane at Safeway, I am sure to greet the checker by name and make eye contact with a smile. I am more deliberate about my interaction with people. Guess what? People respond really positively to this. Well, except maybe my kids who say, "Why did you call that woman by name, do you know her? That was kind of weird." I explained my mission and, knowing me, they nod as if to say, "You are REALLY weird."

I tell them as part of my mission I may smile and say hi to several strangers as I walk by them. I tell my kids, "If I see someone who needs a smile, I give them one of mine." They may think it's a little lame but at least they think about it. I hope you do to!

Everything I need to know, I learned in my 5th grade science project

Did you ever have to do a science project in grade school? I know I did. I had to take some time to think back but I sure remember. I was never much of a science lover as a kid. Sure I completed my assignments, studied for the tests and created my project for the science fair but it was only to fulfill the requirement. Get down to it and get it done. That was the thinking. I never considered that something I did in fifth grade science could apply to the real world. After all I wasn't going to be a scientist, a science teacher or Bill Nye, the science guy. I just wanted to be Scott, the kid who finished fifth grade science and got a good grade.

In our school the science project was done by each grade in the fall. The best ones in the school were chosen to compete in the county science fair. So I scoured the World Book Encyclopedia for the perfect project. Just so you know, my idea of perfect was something that looked fairly complex but was actually easy to build. I picked a fairly easy project not because I was lazy but because I wasn't very handy. I chose this one with several batteries, connecting wire and a few light bulbs. I figured electricity seemed pretty complicated and the batteries didn't pack enough voltage to zap me too badly.

The concept was to take three large E cell batteries and individually connect them to a small light socket that had a small bulb in it. Then you would take three more of the batteries but this time they were wired together and then connected to the socket. The amazing result was that the three connected together made the light shine more brightly than the three that were connected to the socket separately.

Well, I did get an A on the project but not enough love for the science fair, which was ok because it took place on a weekend and I had a basketball game. I was focused on getting an A rather than on learning. As I looked back on it I realized there was a much greater message in the experiment that I could have applied to life. In fact, I could have applied it that same weekend of the science fair while I was playing on my basketball team.

This experiment with electricity is actually a great way to understand how teams work. The sum is greater than the whole of its parts. If everyone gives their best effort and works together to achieve the team goal of winning then the result will be much greater than if each member gave his best effort at individual results like points scored.

Noone taught us that there were univeral laws that applied not just to science and physics but to life. As an example, the law of inertia states that a body in motion will continue in motion until an equal or opposite force is applied to slow or stop it. This same principle applies to the stock market, the economy, over eating, addictive behavior, etc. It seems like it would be such a great concept to teach kids. Seems like it would be a great concept to teach to adults. We get so focused on the completion of the task or reaching our destination that we miss some of the great lessons we can only discover on the journey.

Everyone is a leader

I'm not a leader. I am too shy. I don't like to stand out. It's just not my thing.

Sound familiar? I think it is fair to say that not everyone is cut out to be the leader of company, a bible study or even the PTA. Not everyone has the desire, the passion or the commitment for this type of role in life. But the reality is every single person on the planet is a leader. Like it or not we have to lead our own life.

There are no excuses when it comes to leading the one life that is within your power to lead: your own. We would like to believe that we are the way we are because of the good or bad decisions of one or both of our parents. This allows us to justify the way we lead our life. The truth is we got many genetic traits from our parents. We may have picked up bad habits by modeling the behavior of our parents or our first role models in our life. The fact is we all have free will to think and act in the way of our choosing. An excuse might make us feel justified but it won't improve our situation.

There is no escaping the reality of where we are. But our history is not a crystal ball for our future. We are not tied to the mistakes of our parents or even to the mistakes of our past. We have the free will to choose the path we will take for the rest of our life...starting now. One of the greatest excuses of all time is that I am too old. A close friend said to me, "I can't go back to school now. I will be 50 years old when I graduate in 2 years." I confided in him that he would be 50 years old in 2 years anyway but at that point he would be 2 years further down the road he didn't want to be on.

There are many examples of people who take the reigns of their life after the half way point. The greatest example I can think of is my mom. She decided it was time to take charge of her financial situation and her life at the age of 47. She had been a nurse out of college but had not worked in the field for over 25 years. She made the decision to go back to school and get recertified. It was a difficult decision because there were no guarantees of employment and to get the credential she had to spend 2 months living 200 miles away from home. She had not cracked a school book since college, but with great passion and courage, she pursued the credential. Great story, right? Well, it gets better. With certificate in hand she went to apply at a hospital in her central Illinois hometown. Upon applying she was told by the woman who was president of nursing that she may be to old to jump back in the game. One of the associates at the hospital convinced the president of nursing that she should take a chance on this one. Obviously, this was the right decision because within one year my mom was in charge of the telemetry (cardiac) unit in the hospital. She proved she could effectively lead herself back into the nursing field and now she was leading the entire unit.

We all need to understand that it is up to us to lead our own life. Some people let their spouse make decisions for them rather than lead their own life. If you choose to allow your spouse to dictate the road you take there will likely be bitterness, emptiness and possible divorce at the end of the path. Many have walked that road before you so it is not necessary to test it for yourself. Learn from the mistakes of others. It is less expensive than making the mistakes yourself.

As with any leadership position, leading our life requires taking responsibility. Now at work we all have a fairly clear idea of our responsibilities. We may even understand our responsibilities at home. What about the responsibilities of our personal life?

Have you ever uttered the words, "You make me so mad!" We have probably all said that at one point in time. When we are the leaders of our life, noone can make us feel anything we don't want to feel. Another person can hold an opinion of us or a judgment but it is theirs not ours. Noone has the power to make me mad. Only I can make the decision as to whether or not I will get mad about someone elses words or actions.

As a leader in my work I make the distinction between responding and reacting. As a leader who is responsible to and for others that report to me, it is up to me to weigh things out and respond not just react emotionally. I find it is always best to take a deep breath or two before I shoot an email response back to an email that has me emotionally charged. It doesn't mean I can't get angry, frustrated or concerned. It simply means it is up to me to process the information and respond appropriately based on what I know.

In the past I had a boss who tended to lash out when something crossed his desk when he felt someone dropped the ball. Unfortunately, he often sent out his reaction without having all the details and he assumed I or one of my team members was in the wrong. Initially, I would react emotionally defending myself or my rep but it often escalated the emotions and he would hold to his side even more firmly. This led to back and forth emails that created greater frustration but no solution. I learned to take a deep breath, gather all the facts and call him to address his concerns in a rational and thought out way rather than an emotional way. So, I had to lead my own life in a different way in order to be a more effective leader of others at work.

We always have a choice as to how we will respond to events or people around us. We can control but one thing in this world...our thoughts. Knowing this gives us the freedom to think and act in a way that will lead us down the paths of our choosing. In this way we will become effective leaders of our life and who knows we may even discover that we have what it takes to effectively lead others as well.

Exercise Your Attitude

Exercise is such a powerful activity. Anyone who runs, does yoga, pilates or strength training knows the benefit of physical exercise. The Mayo Clinic notes that there are 7 benefits of regular physical exercise:
1) Improves your mood
2) Combats chronic disease
3) Helps manage your weight
4) Strengthens the heart and lungs
5) Promotes better sleep
6) Can put a spark back in your sex life
7) Can be fun and encourage family interaction

Ironically, the Mayo Clinic also sites 7 benefits of a positive thought life which are:
1) Increased life span
2) Lower rates of depression
3) Lower levels of distress
4) Greater resistance to the common cold
5) Better psychological and physical well-being
6) Reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
7) Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress

We can watch the TV show the Biggest Loser and see how physical exercise benefits people. It is tougher to see how exercising the attitude through positive self talk can improve ones life. Noone will argue that it takes consistent focus to create physical health but when it comes to mental health, we are much more lacks in our approach.

It is estimated that we have in the neighborhood of 60,000 thoughts per day. Thinking is an involuntary action. Much like breathing, we have thoughts. Unfortunately, the majority of our thoughts are negative. So, we can't control whether or not we think and the majority of our thoughts are negative. That's the bad news.

The good news is we do have control over how we direct our thoughts. This is where the exercise for our minds comes in. We must become more aware of the thoughts we have. As a negative thought enters our mind, it is up to us whether we accept it or reject it. The key to exercising your attitude is rejecting the negative thought and redirecting your thoughts in a more positive way. This takes practice as does any kind of physical routine for health.

The more you take inventory of your thoughts and focus to redirect negative thoughts in a more positive direction, the better you will be at keeping your mind on a positive track. This type of thinking tends to keep you focused on solutions versus problems.

The great example here is how we handle worry thoughts. If you have worry thoughts, remember that over 60% of what you worry about never comes to pass. As Wayne Dyer has said, "Why worry? If you can do something about it then don't worry, do something and if you can't do anything about it, it is out of your control, then why worry."

Now the preceding had to do with how we react to the thoughts we have. Let's think about how we can create the conditions for our minds to create more positive thoughts from the get go. In many ways our thought life is the result of the stimulus we take in through our senses. If you tend to watch alot of news, read gossip publications, listen to music with negative lyrics, spend time gossipping on social media sites or spend hours in front of the TV, you are exposing yourself to a tremendous amount of negative stimulus. This can only lead to negative thinking which will negatively impact you and those around you.

One great way to help ensure that you have more positive thoughts is to spend more time reading positive material, listening to positive music and communicating in positive and productive ways through social media. You will still have to be aware of the negative that creeps in and redirect it in a more positive way, but the odds are in your favor to keep a positive outlook and attitude.

You can't run once a month and hope to stay in good physical condition. In the same way, you can't read positive material once a month or attend church once a week and hope to stay in good mental condition. Exercise your attitude regularly and enjoy the benefits of a positive thought life!

Imagine a world where children learn from their positive experiences at home

How many times have we heard about a friend, a neighbor or a loved one who has an addiction, anger issues, an eating disorder, a sleep disorder similar to that suffered by one of their parents? It always seems to amaze us and maybe even appall us because we think they should know better especially having grown up around it. History is a funny thing. It tends to repeat itself because children model what they see in their home. There are no two ways around it. We look up to our parents when we are kids. We want to be just like mom and dad. They are our first hero’s in life and the first role model we look up to without even understanding the ramifications.

What if we could break the chain of insanity to create a modeling environment of love, joy, peace and moderation? Maybe we need a stronger incentive in order to focus our energies on becoming a positive role model in our own homes. Look closely in the mirror and then into the face of your child. Now think that what you see in the mirror is a reflection of what your child will see in 20 years. Maybe that is exactly the incentive we need to make the necessary changes in our lives. It is often not a big enough “why” to change for our own well being or that of our spouse. But how can we look into the eyes of such young and fragile being still blessed with all the hope breathed into him/her by the creator of the universe and not do all we can to help them find the right path in life. If we walk that path, they will follow!