Why is it that we tend to wait until we are pushed to the verge of loss in order to feel grateful for what we have? So often, it is when we are humbled by some setback in our lives or in the lives of those close to us that the fear of loss becomes real enough for us to be thankful. In a world where we are barraged with advertising that continually promises what might be, we rarely live in the moment of what is.
Not long ago, a great friend of mine sent me an email explaining how a close-family-friend’s wife had just passed away after a battle with cancer. She was just 38 years old and had three young children. The husband and kids were obviously devastated. She died way too soon and so many beautiful plans as a family were cut short.
This same friend of mine had been let go by his employer not long before this event. He felt betrayed by the company for which he had worked for seven years and his ego had been bruised in the process. He had four young kids, a mortgage, two car payments and he was the sole breadwinner in the household. Feeling rushed to restore his income, he accepted a role that, in the eyes of the world, was considered a step back from what he had been doing.
As these events unfolded, however, he had the opportunity to spend more evenings at home with his wife and kids. Alhough he was professionally underemployed, he was extremely content to have more time to spend with his family. He realized that his kids were growing up quickly and now he could slow down and be a bigger part of their lives. The loss of his job and the death of his close friend’s wife created the fear of loss and, as a result, he felt an overwhelming sense of gratefulness. Through the loss and pain - both his own and his friend's - he began to realize how lucky he was. He went on to say how sad it was that it took events like this to truly appreciate what he had. Prior to these events, the struggles of a working life spent on the road made the tension at home unbearable at times. His wife was overwhelmed with the daily duties of keeping a household and they fought because they each felt underappreciated. Now, a step down on the corporate ladder afforded him a view that made him feel lucky.
Recently, I spent some time with a man I befriended a few years back named Tom. Tom spent twelve years in prison for some bad decisions he had made as a young man. Whenever I see Tom now and I ask him how he is doing, his response is always the same, “Every day that I wake up a free man is a great day for me.” Tom has been homeless or living in his sister’s garage during the six years since he got out of prison. He does whatever odd jobs he can find and collects bottles & cans to make enough to survive. Many would look at Tom’s existence and wonder what he has to live for. Not Tom. Every day that he has his freedom is a day to be cherished.
Tom grew up without much parental love and without any guidance. He was a street kid who had to fight for his survival. Drinking and fighting was the only way of life he knew and he was emotionally hurting and full of anger as a result. He didn’t appreciate much in his life and he didn’t have any respect for authority. He really didn’t feel like he had much, and what he had, he had to fight for. His parents were poor examples of authority and in his mind the police were simply there to keep him from doing what he wanted. It took a few poor decisions, a few run-ins with the law and a twelve-year stint in prison to help Tom realize how much he actually did have.
Tom lives with the pain of feeling like an outcast and the anger that accompanies it. He still has a difficult time controlling his temper but he knows that if he makes one wrong move and gets the third strike, he will go to prison for 25 years. In order to change his behavior and hold off emotional outbursts, Tom has to remind himself each day that he has something to be grateful for - he has his freedom.
If we spend just five minutes each day thinking about the things for which we are grateful, then we can fight off the some of the negativity that the day flings our way. Gratefulness can be an effective weapon against cynicism, negativity, bitterness and feelings of inadequacy. It can help us expend our precious energy focusing on what we have, not what we lack. There are two ways to feel like you have more in your life: get more or require less. Maybe we would learn to require less if we were more thankful for what we have now. In this way, we will not have to wait until we are faced with loss to appreciate all the amazing things we have today.
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