In this fast-paced world of emails, the internet and twitter, we all seem to have so little time and so much to do. Nowhere does this ring more true than in parenting. Today’s family is eons from the Cleavers in “Leave it to Beaver”. Both parents often work to provide for the family and often not in the same home due to divorce. Even if one parent stays home, there are few sit down, family meals or Sunday evenings watching “The Wonderful World of Disney” like in the 1970’s. Impatient parenting has become a way of life in the modern family while the rising divorce rate and growing number of single parent homes have just exacerbated the problem.
With all the pulls in our life from bosses, employees, spouses, friends and parents, it is difficult to take our time and teach our kids. We spend more time directing and less time explaining. Now don’t get me wrong, children need our direction, but along with direction children need explanations. It is the explanation and not just the direction that teaches kids how to make decisions for themselves. An explanation should follow every direction for a child. We tell them to stop at the alley and look both ways for cars. We assume they know, they could get hit by a car; but with children we should not assume anything. We should explain. It takes very little time to explain the why. The extra few minutes makes all the difference in the world.
Children need our patience, attention and flexibility. They need to learn compromise from us. We wonder why our children can be so inflexible; I am certain this attitude can be traced to what they have seen from adults not from what they have heard. As Robert Fulghum said in his book Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, “Don’t worry that your kids hear what you say rather worry that they watch what you do.” We tend to be inflexible with our children. We would not treat our boss, coworkers or friends this way but we have no issue treating our kids this way.
“Because I said so” is much easier than explaining why little Johnny should not talk to strangers. It is much easier to put the lego car together than to show the picture and describe it step by step. If I pick out clothes I can avoid the headaches and arguments of allowing my son to pick out his own outfit for school. Kids should not have so many choices. At least that is how we justify it.
It is much more important to get back to my TV show or get my much-deserved downtime than it is to painstakingly sit and help my daughter read a book. I can just read the book to her. Reading to her is valuable to her learning too, right? And besides, this is better for both of us. We spend quality time together and I will not be frustrated and stressed in the process. After all, I am spending quality time with her, aren’t I? Though quality time is good, quantity is also required to help arm a child with the power to make well-founded decisions later in life. As parents, we tend to do for our children instead of teaching them to do for themselves.
We often become impatient and stressed out when trying to help our children make decisions. I know I have been guilty of this and also witnessed this many times. The one place I see this most often is at toy store. Kids tend not to make decisions as quickly as we would like. Should I get the Lego set or new art supplies? This leads to frustration and impatience on our part. Stress is infectious. We tend to pass this very negative energy on to our kids so they become stressed. Like any conditioned behavior, they see decision-making as a stressful process because of parental impatience. So they naturally become stressed when they need to make a decision. People tend not to make the best decisions under stress. Yes, stress is a part of life but we should not create unnecessary stress for our children that will haunt them later in life.
A wise old proverb states that if you feed a person a fish, you feed them once. If you teach them how to fish you feed them for a lifetime. In the ‘70s my father impatiently baited the hook, threw it in the water and handed me the pole. He often grabbed it back if I got a bite. Today we drive them through for a McTuna melt. This seems efficient and harmless, right? However, over an extended period of time this practice leaves young ones ill equipped to handle life’s responsibilities effectively when they have to make decisions for themselves. In addition, they are not prepared to think through the processes that are critical to making sound decisions.
We have all heard the saying “Practice makes perfect.” This applies not only to sports and piano lessons. Decision-making is a skill that improves with practice. There is no better time to learn than when we are young. Many things are easier to learn when we are young like foreign languages for example. Kids are in pre-school younger and younger so they are in the learning mode. As parent’s we need to teach our children practical skills that will help in all areas of their life.
Decision-making happens in all areas of life all the time. When children are coached and supported in decision-making, they become confident in themselves. This confidence builds self-esteem. What could be more important than teaching your child to feel good about themselves and their abilities? So the next time your children ask you for help, take your time and help them help themselves.
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