The problem with fighting

Did you ever notice how the things we fight in life become stronger as a result? If you take a step back and think about it, it makes perfect sense. How do prize fighters get better? They fight with a sparring partner and with each bout they learn something new that makes them a stronger fighter. The same is true with regard to building your muscles. It is actually the resistance of lifting weights that creates the conditions that allow muscles to grow. How about an example that we can all relate to? Have you ever tried to remember a name or a number and the harder you fought to remember, the further away it seemed to get and the more frustrated you became.

So really, we shouldn't be surprised that when we engage in fighting, whether an addiction, our memory or another person, we actually make them stronger in their battle against us. The things we resist in our life persist in our life! Those things we resist in our life, like addiction, will grow stronger and our very focus on the object of that addiction increases its energy making it all the stronger and harder to defeat. If you are fighting your spouse on a particular issue, the harder you fight the firmer he/she will hold onto their position. Right? Your thoughts and the energy you give in the fight become the pumice stones that sharpen the blade of your opponent.

The irony and actually the only way to really achieve a desirable outcome lies in allowing and not fighting. Go back to the example of trying to remember a name. It comes to you when you allow your mind to move on. Once you let go and stop fighting to remember, the name pops into your mind with ease.

In any situations where you find yourself fighting, try to approach it in a new way. Allow your feelings. Don't deny them or suppress them. However, instead of digging your heels in for a knockdown/dragout, remember, there can't be a fight with only one side. If you can allow peace and calm to prevail then there is a chance for gentle persuasion. Instead of focusing your attention on fighting back or fighting thinking about the object of your addiction, allow them. Maybe you will give in at first but the more you allow, the less you will strengthen the opposition. Redirect your thoughts and focus your attention on the feelings of freedom. What will your life look like without the addictive behavior? If you are calm, maybe you will better understand where you spouse is coming from and get to a compromise. Gentle persuasion has a better chance whether with your own thoughts, with behaviors you'd like to change or with another person holding an opposing view.