I believe that every parent wants their child to develop into a successful, well adjusted adult. The problem is that sometimes they were not given the tools or emotional support they needed to create an environment that promoted it for their child(ren). They did not have a parent who knew the way and could point them in the right direction. They did not have a parent who was ready and qualified to teach them how to navigate the road to confidence.
Unfortunately, there are no laws governing the readiness of a parent to raise a child. The law requires we are 21 years of age before we can drink. The law requires we are 16 years of age before we can drive. There are stringent testing and admission standards for acceptance into a 4 year college. Ironically, there are no such laws or requirements as it relates to having/raising children. There are no emotional requirements for raising children. There are no minimum standards of parenting knowledge and no required test score on a parenting test before a person can bring a child into the world.
Oftentimes a child is brought into the world by a parent who is unprepared. Sometimes there is only one parent and with the economic pressures, they are not able to give the time and energy necessary to help there child develop emotionally. Sometimes one or both of the parents has a substance abuse issue and the selfishness of the disease prohibits effective parenting. There are many reasons for parental inability. There is no good excuse but there are reasons that must be explored in order for the next generation to break the cycle.
So, the let’s say the train for confidence has left the station and you are still standing on the platform. What then? Is it too late to develop the strong sense of self-confidence needed to be a joyful, peaceful and successful person?
Definitely not!
As a child of an alcoholic father, I grew up in a “good but” environment. As a boy, I was constantly trying to earn my father’s acceptance and approval. No matter what I did, it was “good, but” not quite good enough. Though my dad’s intent was to help me strive to be the best, it left me feeling like I always came up short. My feelings of inadequacy were further enhanced by my attendance of a Catholic school and church which was characterized by a similar guilt-driven rule. Due to my Catholic upbringing, I saw God as a punitive father who was always on the lookout to catch me in sin.
My mother worked tirelessly to provide acceptance and approval, but as a male, I needed to identify strongly with my father. Since this did not happen in my formative years, I became a young adult with a poor sense of self-confidence. I felt that no matter how well I performed, it was not quite good enough. Eventually, I internalized the feeling as “I am not quite good enough.”
Fortunately, in my case, I recognized the desire for confidence when I was 16. My dad had a library and on the book shelves I discovered the book, The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. Though I did not have the skill to develop confidence on my own, I discovered in the pages of this timeless classic that it was possible. Thus my search for confidence began. I was now on the road to confidence.
Over the years I have read hundreds of titles relating to the topic of personal development and I opened my heart to a healthy relationship with God. It has been my mission since my teen years to develop these feelings of self worth. Though my insatiable study of personal development gave me a foundation for understanding, it was not until in my 30's when I developed a relationship with God that I made great gains in my search. This was a turning point and the true catalyst for my growth. This personal relationship allowed me to internalize and act upon all of the knowledge I had gained. I needed to feel the unconditional love of God in order to love myself unconditionally.
The road to confidence has had many ups and downs for me. There have been many obstacles standing between me and my ultimate goal. I have felt the confidence very strongly at times only to relapse into feelings of inadequacy as I sought external gratification. I had times when I relied on other people's encouragement to feel good about myself only to realize that when I let them down, I fell down. I had periods of great monetary gain when I tried to buy the right clothes and cars to gratify my ego and project a positive self image but the luster always wore off. At times it was a laborious and painful process but through it all, I gained confidence a little bit at a time through consistently talking to God and constantly talking to myself, respectfully. Somewhere along the way, I realized confidence was built a little bit at a time as God walked with me along the road to my goal.
I am happy to say that my dad has not had a drink in over 20 years. He understands the need to give love and affection freely but unfortunately he did not have an effective model in his life growing up. It is critical that someone break the cycle. This can only happen if someone embarks on their own journey of personal development. Each person must find there own confidence in order to point their child to a similar place.
Though it is a tough place to find, rest assured confidence exists. It seems to be sparsely populated and it takes growth to reach its elevation, but confidence can be found! I have found it on my journey as an adult. So start the journey today. Look up and look in but whatever you do, don’t stop searching!
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