In this fast-paced world of emails, the internet and twitter, we all seem to have so little time and so much to do. Nowhere does this ring more true than in parenting. Today’s family is eons from the Cleavers in “Leave it to Beaver”. Both parents often work to provide for the family and often not in the same home due to divorce. Even if one parent stays home, there are few sit down, family meals or Sunday evenings watching “The Wonderful World of Disney” like in the 1970’s. Impatient parenting has become a way of life in the modern family while the rising divorce rate and growing number of single parent homes have just exacerbated the problem.
With all the pulls in our life from bosses, employees, spouses, friends and parents, it is difficult to take our time and teach our kids. We spend more time directing and less time explaining. Now don’t get me wrong, children need our direction, but along with direction children need explanations. It is the explanation and not just the direction that teaches kids how to make decisions for themselves. An explanation should follow every direction for a child. We tell them to stop at the alley and look both ways for cars. We assume they know, they could get hit by a car; but with children we should not assume anything. We should explain. It takes very little time to explain the why. The extra few minutes makes all the difference in the world.
Children need our patience, attention and flexibility. They need to learn compromise from us. We wonder why our children can be so inflexible; I am certain this attitude can be traced to what they have seen from adults not from what they have heard. As Robert Fulghum said in his book Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, “Don’t worry that your kids hear what you say rather worry that they watch what you do.” We tend to be inflexible with our children. We would not treat our boss, coworkers or friends this way but we have no issue treating our kids this way.
“Because I said so” is much easier than explaining why little Johnny should not talk to strangers. It is much easier to put the lego car together than to show the picture and describe it step by step. If I pick out clothes I can avoid the headaches and arguments of allowing my son to pick out his own outfit for school. Kids should not have so many choices. At least that is how we justify it.
It is much more important to get back to my TV show or get my much-deserved downtime than it is to painstakingly sit and help my daughter read a book. I can just read the book to her. Reading to her is valuable to her learning too, right? And besides, this is better for both of us. We spend quality time together and I will not be frustrated and stressed in the process. After all, I am spending quality time with her, aren’t I? Though quality time is good, quantity is also required to help arm a child with the power to make well-founded decisions later in life. As parents, we tend to do for our children instead of teaching them to do for themselves.
We often become impatient and stressed out when trying to help our children make decisions. I know I have been guilty of this and also witnessed this many times. The one place I see this most often is at toy store. Kids tend not to make decisions as quickly as we would like. Should I get the Lego set or new art supplies? This leads to frustration and impatience on our part. Stress is infectious. We tend to pass this very negative energy on to our kids so they become stressed. Like any conditioned behavior, they see decision-making as a stressful process because of parental impatience. So they naturally become stressed when they need to make a decision. People tend not to make the best decisions under stress. Yes, stress is a part of life but we should not create unnecessary stress for our children that will haunt them later in life.
A wise old proverb states that if you feed a person a fish, you feed them once. If you teach them how to fish you feed them for a lifetime. In the ‘70s my father impatiently baited the hook, threw it in the water and handed me the pole. He often grabbed it back if I got a bite. Today we drive them through for a McTuna melt. This seems efficient and harmless, right? However, over an extended period of time this practice leaves young ones ill equipped to handle life’s responsibilities effectively when they have to make decisions for themselves. In addition, they are not prepared to think through the processes that are critical to making sound decisions.
We have all heard the saying “Practice makes perfect.” This applies not only to sports and piano lessons. Decision-making is a skill that improves with practice. There is no better time to learn than when we are young. Many things are easier to learn when we are young like foreign languages for example. Kids are in pre-school younger and younger so they are in the learning mode. As parent’s we need to teach our children practical skills that will help in all areas of their life.
Decision-making happens in all areas of life all the time. When children are coached and supported in decision-making, they become confident in themselves. This confidence builds self-esteem. What could be more important than teaching your child to feel good about themselves and their abilities? So the next time your children ask you for help, take your time and help them help themselves.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Imagine a World…
Imagine a world...
...where children are encouraged to think for themselves.
...where children learn from their positive experiences at home.
...where adults have the wide-eyed curiosity of a child.
...where a helping hand extends without expectation.
...where love given is love received.
...where judgment is left in the courtroom.
...where excellence is its own reward.
...where people change the world by changing themselves.
...where people sing not to be noticed but because God put a song in their hearts.
...where strength of conviction never succumbs to fear of failure.
...where the spirit of youth and not age determines our level of participation in life.
Now, open yours eyes and make it so!
...where children are encouraged to think for themselves.
...where children learn from their positive experiences at home.
...where adults have the wide-eyed curiosity of a child.
...where a helping hand extends without expectation.
...where love given is love received.
...where judgment is left in the courtroom.
...where excellence is its own reward.
...where people change the world by changing themselves.
...where people sing not to be noticed but because God put a song in their hearts.
...where strength of conviction never succumbs to fear of failure.
...where the spirit of youth and not age determines our level of participation in life.
Now, open yours eyes and make it so!
The problem with fighting
Did you ever notice how the things we fight in life become stronger as a result? If you take a step back and think about it, it makes perfect sense. How do prize fighters get better? They fight with a sparring partner and with each bout they learn something new that makes them a stronger fighter. The same is true with regard to building your muscles. It is actually the resistance of lifting weights that creates the conditions that allow muscles to grow. How about an example that we can all relate to? Have you ever tried to remember a name or a number and the harder you fought to remember, the further away it seemed to get and the more frustrated you became.
So really, we shouldn't be surprised that when we engage in fighting, whether an addiction, our memory or another person, we actually make them stronger in their battle against us. The things we resist in our life persist in our life! Those things we resist in our life, like addiction, will grow stronger and our very focus on the object of that addiction increases its energy making it all the stronger and harder to defeat. If you are fighting your spouse on a particular issue, the harder you fight the firmer he/she will hold onto their position. Right? Your thoughts and the energy you give in the fight become the pumice stones that sharpen the blade of your opponent.
The irony and actually the only way to really achieve a desirable outcome lies in allowing and not fighting. Go back to the example of trying to remember a name. It comes to you when you allow your mind to move on. Once you let go and stop fighting to remember, the name pops into your mind with ease.
In any situations where you find yourself fighting, try to approach it in a new way. Allow your feelings. Don't deny them or suppress them. However, instead of digging your heels in for a knockdown/dragout, remember, there can't be a fight with only one side. If you can allow peace and calm to prevail then there is a chance for gentle persuasion. Instead of focusing your attention on fighting back or fighting thinking about the object of your addiction, allow them. Maybe you will give in at first but the more you allow, the less you will strengthen the opposition. Redirect your thoughts and focus your attention on the feelings of freedom. What will your life look like without the addictive behavior? If you are calm, maybe you will better understand where you spouse is coming from and get to a compromise. Gentle persuasion has a better chance whether with your own thoughts, with behaviors you'd like to change or with another person holding an opposing view.
So really, we shouldn't be surprised that when we engage in fighting, whether an addiction, our memory or another person, we actually make them stronger in their battle against us. The things we resist in our life persist in our life! Those things we resist in our life, like addiction, will grow stronger and our very focus on the object of that addiction increases its energy making it all the stronger and harder to defeat. If you are fighting your spouse on a particular issue, the harder you fight the firmer he/she will hold onto their position. Right? Your thoughts and the energy you give in the fight become the pumice stones that sharpen the blade of your opponent.
The irony and actually the only way to really achieve a desirable outcome lies in allowing and not fighting. Go back to the example of trying to remember a name. It comes to you when you allow your mind to move on. Once you let go and stop fighting to remember, the name pops into your mind with ease.
In any situations where you find yourself fighting, try to approach it in a new way. Allow your feelings. Don't deny them or suppress them. However, instead of digging your heels in for a knockdown/dragout, remember, there can't be a fight with only one side. If you can allow peace and calm to prevail then there is a chance for gentle persuasion. Instead of focusing your attention on fighting back or fighting thinking about the object of your addiction, allow them. Maybe you will give in at first but the more you allow, the less you will strengthen the opposition. Redirect your thoughts and focus your attention on the feelings of freedom. What will your life look like without the addictive behavior? If you are calm, maybe you will better understand where you spouse is coming from and get to a compromise. Gentle persuasion has a better chance whether with your own thoughts, with behaviors you'd like to change or with another person holding an opposing view.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sacrifice Means Giving For Gain
Sacrifice is a word that most of us equate with giving something up. We think of it as a loss in our life. Maybe the first thing we need to do to move toward our hearts desires is to change the way we think about sacrifice.
In Economics 101 we learn about "opportunity cost". We can spend our resources whether money, time, love, thought, etc. on something but not on everything. Rather than thinking about sacrifice as giving up something, instead think of it as an investment. When we invest, we apply resources against that which will give back what we desire in greater quantity.
In my life I chose to invest my time, effort and energy to attain greater quantities of peace, joy, love and good health. These were the things that I wanted more of in my life. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, poor diet, negative attitude were counter to attaining them. The focus of my energy on these habits was standing in the way of getting what I desired in my life. In fact, they were moving me directly in the opposite direction of my hearts desires. The question became, "How could I invest my time, effort and energy to obtain success in life or live on purpose?" Reading, exercise, drinking water, healthy balanced diet, meditation and stretching were new habits that would take me where I wanted to go.
Let's say that you lived in New York and there was an amazing opportunity for a dream career in New Jersey. You prepared for the interview and went to the train station to go give it your best shot. Upon reaching Grand Central Station you jumped on a train. The train, however, was headed to Long Island. You enjoyed the company of the passengers and the view out the window but you were unfortunately not headed to where the dream job interview was. No matter how long you stayed on that train, you wouldn't get to where you wanted to go. In order to get closer to your dream job, you must get off the Long Island train and board the train headed to New Jersey. You are not giving up the short term view and fun conversation, you are getting on the track to your higher goal.
With this in mind, the first obvious step is determining where you want to go (more on this in later blogs). Once you are focused on purpose, you must choose the habits or road to get your there. As George Harrison sang, "If you don't know where you're going any road will do." It is no sacrifice to do what it takes to get where you want to go. It is a wise investment that will give you what you want more of in life.
In Economics 101 we learn about "opportunity cost". We can spend our resources whether money, time, love, thought, etc. on something but not on everything. Rather than thinking about sacrifice as giving up something, instead think of it as an investment. When we invest, we apply resources against that which will give back what we desire in greater quantity.
In my life I chose to invest my time, effort and energy to attain greater quantities of peace, joy, love and good health. These were the things that I wanted more of in my life. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, poor diet, negative attitude were counter to attaining them. The focus of my energy on these habits was standing in the way of getting what I desired in my life. In fact, they were moving me directly in the opposite direction of my hearts desires. The question became, "How could I invest my time, effort and energy to obtain success in life or live on purpose?" Reading, exercise, drinking water, healthy balanced diet, meditation and stretching were new habits that would take me where I wanted to go.
Let's say that you lived in New York and there was an amazing opportunity for a dream career in New Jersey. You prepared for the interview and went to the train station to go give it your best shot. Upon reaching Grand Central Station you jumped on a train. The train, however, was headed to Long Island. You enjoyed the company of the passengers and the view out the window but you were unfortunately not headed to where the dream job interview was. No matter how long you stayed on that train, you wouldn't get to where you wanted to go. In order to get closer to your dream job, you must get off the Long Island train and board the train headed to New Jersey. You are not giving up the short term view and fun conversation, you are getting on the track to your higher goal.
With this in mind, the first obvious step is determining where you want to go (more on this in later blogs). Once you are focused on purpose, you must choose the habits or road to get your there. As George Harrison sang, "If you don't know where you're going any road will do." It is no sacrifice to do what it takes to get where you want to go. It is a wise investment that will give you what you want more of in life.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Check your motives at the door
Birds sing not to get attention
Birds sing because God has put a song in their heart
Birds sing because God has put a song in their heart
Monday, May 25, 2009
What is Memorial Day all about?
It’s funny how Memorial Day comes and goes each year and the different meanings it has attached to it. It’s the first day you can start wearing white shoes, it’s the day they run the Indy 500, it’s a long weekend, it’s the day the swimming pool opens for the year.
Maybe it would be good to make a new connection to Memorial Day. How about this:
On this Memorial Day weekend as we consider the sacrifice of the men and women who serve our country so bravely, what better gift can we give than that of working harder to create peace in our little corner of the world. Who knows, maybe it can spill over across borders and begin to create a wave that will put an end to the violence that leads to the unnecessary bloodshed of war.
Peace…
…in a heart
…in a home
…in a neighborhood
…in a community
…in a town
…in a country
…in the world
Yes, peace in the world
Begins in a single heart
Maybe it would be good to make a new connection to Memorial Day. How about this:
On this Memorial Day weekend as we consider the sacrifice of the men and women who serve our country so bravely, what better gift can we give than that of working harder to create peace in our little corner of the world. Who knows, maybe it can spill over across borders and begin to create a wave that will put an end to the violence that leads to the unnecessary bloodshed of war.
Peace…
…in a heart
…in a home
…in a neighborhood
…in a community
…in a town
…in a country
…in the world
Yes, peace in the world
Begins in a single heart
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