How much does a grudge weigh? At first, it is quite easy to pick up; it weighs almost nothing. We carry it and maybe even get some satisfaction toting it around a while. In fact, it is tough not to carry a bit of a grudge when we are hurt by what someone says or does. For most of us, our normal reaction when people hurt us intentionally is to retaliate. We want "payback." Our creative juices get flowing coming up with ways to even the score. Sadly, we are often at our most creative when we're thinking up ways to get even!
When we carry grudges around, they both consume us and weaken us. When we feel we have been wronged by someone, we tend to keep the hurt at the forefront of our mind. We keep the hurt but we often hold thoughts and feelings of revenge as well. At that point, the grudge can monopolize our thought life until we either 1) get revenge, or 2) forgive and let it go. In the case of the former, holding a grudge can give great power to the person who has hurt us. Our focus of attention tends to stay on the other person and what they did to hurt us rather than focusing on the healing power of forgiveness. By holding on to the anger and hurt, we diminish our ability to focus on the new, fresh and positive things before us. Grudges are both a heavy burden and a force that gives great power to those against whom we hold them.
Not long ago, my daughter was hurting because she felt she’d been betrayed by someone who she thought was her friend. The other girl was apparently jealous and spread some rumors that made several other girls give my daughter the cold shoulder. My daughter's natural response was to say, “I hate so and so. She is just so mean and I hate her.” She had been hurt and her anger was a response to the pain associated with having her feelings hurt. She held the anger deeply and felt that she would not be able to forgive no matter what.
Initially, I affirmed my daughter's feelings which, given the situation, were perfectly natural. I assured her that it was okay to feel anger. God gets angry. It says so in the Bible. I let her know that her anger was a normal response. So, just as it was for my daughter, the question becomes what we will do with our anger and how long we will hold onto it. Paul told the Ephesians, "In your anger, do not sin. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry." In other words, it's ok to be indignant when we have been wronged, but it should run its course relatively quickly so we can be in control and thinking clearly again. When anger becomes a burning desire for revenge, then we have a problem. This is when we relinquish our control or power. I told my daughter that it was not good to give someone so much power over how we feel. This took her aback. My daughter realized that not only had this other girl wronged her, but now she was controlling her thought life as well! This seemed to make her even more upset initially but it also helped her realize how easily we give up our power to others. In addition, I told my daughter that what the other girl did was wrong but not to focus on hate and anger. Doing so may cause her to act in a way that would reinforce the lies that had been told about her and this would make the other girls believe the lies even more. I explained by taking the high road and forgiving, the power would be in her control and others would see her in a positive light. The other girls would soon suspect that it was not true and that the girl who spread the rumors may actually be the hurtful one.
The brilliant African American scientist, Booker T. Washington, faced hate and racial prejudice all his life. He had every right to begrudge his detractors and retaliate. Instead he made a very significant choice about how he would handle it. His wisdom, courage and character shone through when he said, "I will never allow another man to control or ruin my life by making me hate him."
Now, it is one thing to forgive; it is another thing entirely to trust that person again right away. Forgiveness certainly doesn’t mean we should be naïve and trust the people who hurt or slander us, especially in similar matters. We should be forgiving but not be doormats. In this regard, forgiveness and respect should be given freely; trust needs to be earned; and there is no place for revenge in our lives.
In fact, God teaches us throughout the Bible to let go of grudges and leave revenge up to Him. In Romans 12:19 it says, "Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, 'I will take revenge; I will pay them back,' says the Lord." I think that we have heard too many times about “sweet” revenge and how good it makes someone feel. Or seen too many movies where the protagonist exacts vengeance with a wry smile upon some evildoer and then the credits roll. Maybe there is some truth to the initial feeling of getting back at someone. The problem is, as we sit with revenge on the tastebuds of our conscience, it turns bitter. Eventually, and tragically, it will twist our hearts in ugly ways as well. When we hold a grudge, intent on revenge, we must realize that we are ultimately no better than the person who wronged us in the first place. Not to mention the fact that feuds often result and there is a back and forth with both sides, each determined to get the "final" revenge.
So, how much does a grudge weigh? The answer is: ultimately, too much. At least for an emotionally healthy person. If you are holding any, do your best to put them down. Straighten your back in forgiveness and move ahead confidently with both a lighter heart and an unburdened spirit.
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